Ooops! Uh… Close the door! Get all of the young children out of here, and put your hands where I can see them! Do it! Today I’m going to tell you about a joyful and pleasant pastime, a piece of a pocket-size happiness for anyone, a path to pure pleasure that can begin anywhere and at any time at all. And if you want to play along, there’s only one tool that you’ll need at hand. Are you intrigued? Wonderful!

It’s still a mystery who owns the patent on this activity, but the bible’s own Onan has a copyright on his own ism for. The second son of Judah, Onan was required by tradition to marry his older brother’s widow and impregnate her. But Onan was a savvy chap so he slipped out of his duty and spilled his seed — right — on the ground. It’s a mistake to think that he was masturbating. In fact, he just didn’t finish inside Tamar. Do you understand why? They liked things the way they were. And just for that, he had to pay with his life…

They say that 98% of all men masturbate and the other 2% they just don’t admit it. Well, you understand why. But as a matter of fact, the truth is much more serious! It’s not only men, all pubescent humans masturbate, just some more than others. Uh-huh! Those are the statistics. It’s our nature. And we can’t escape it no matter what we try to do about it. All of mankind, pardon… It changes the view a bit on our rather serious world, doesn’t it? All of these gloomy people around us, and the Congress, and the President. Although the President probably doesn’t have time for all that. Well, there you have it. You have something in common with folks like Napoleon, Socrates, Hitler and the President…

In ancient Egypt, by the way, the Pharaohs ceremonially masturbated into the Nile. And the Greeks had no problems with it whatsoever; they considered it the norm, and we won’t even get into India and China where this process was practically sacred.

In the enlightened Europe of the 18th century booklets claiming that masturbation led to blindness, epilepsy, hairy palms, gonorrhea and loss of mental functions were very popular. But you know what? I bet, everyone was doing it anyway if they had hands! No, of course there were outcasts for example — Kant. Now there was a guy who thought jerking off was a sin worse than killing yourself. Oh, but nowadays, you and I know very well what is what. Or am I wrong?

Today there are claims that frequent masturbation can actually help prevent prostate cancer. Others have found a connection between this act and death from coronary heart disease. While some say that those who actively masturbate don’t suffer as greatly from swings in blood pressure. Some claim that hands jobs weaken potency, while others say it helps flush those old low mobility sperm out of the reproductive tract. And for just as long of these debates and battles have been raging on, the world has been passionately doing what? That’s right! Playing with themselves… And, uh… Where are your hands right now, by the way?